Frustrated, and Just Being Real

Ever have one of those days where NOTHING goes right? We all have. I know. We all have.

Today, I sang at church. I only get to do this once a month because I go to a church that is OVERFLOWING with amazing musicians. It's insane. It's like we've got a tractor-beam out for incredibly gifted musical people. And trust me, beloveds, when I tell you that I'm still shocked at the fact that I'm allowed to sing with them. I always feel a bit like the stepchild of the team. Or, that kid who gets picked last for the baseball team.

Well, the nothing-goes-correctly rule firmly applied to tonight's church services. We were signing in some funky keys, and the other gal singing background vocals was supposed to be singing tenor. She wasn't. She was singing alto. I'm the alto.

That meant, for some reason, the leader decided I should sing second-soprano. Alrighty, I can figure that out, although it's annoying. Problem was...remember those funky keys? They were HIGH. So high that they bumped the notes out of the second soprano range and into the first soprano range.

Let's think about this...I'm an ALTO. For you non-music types, that means that I sing in the low end of a woman's vocal range. It's my sweet spot, vocally. It's where I'm strong, tone-wise, and it's how I'm made. Tonight, I had to sing soprano. The high notes. The REALLY high notes. Beyond what I'm capable of singing...not because I was being lazy, or not listening, or unable to get the part. But, because, physiologically, that's how God made my body, my vocal cords in particular.

It was a train wreck. At least, it felt that way. I was tinny, pitchy, breathy (not in a good way)...because I just CAN'T hit those notes. I just CAN'T.

So, now I'm frustrated. Feeling like the weakest link in the chain, and rightfully so, but by no fault of my own.

I know, I KNOW that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I KNOW most of the congregation had no idea (the pessimist in me says that's because the sound guys pulled me out of the mix). I KNOW that just getting up there and trying made God happy.

I just want a do-over. In lower keys. (Oh, and the worst part? I can't get the songs out of my head now. Mmmmrrrrr...)

(This is my face in regards to tonight's musical "adventure.")

Not My Favorite Moment...

School's begun again, and I love this time of year. It's fun, the kids are on their best behavior (the PARENTS are on their best behavior), the binders are new, the shoes are squeaky....it's exciting.

But, I had one of those heart-stopping, tear-inducing moments this morning.

For the past four years, one of my BFFs, C, has traipsed from her classroom to mine to fill up her coffee cup. We would laugh, hug each other, joke about the day, make faces at the kids, and take a moment...together...to let the effects of the sweet, sweet, thank-you-Jesus, bean-juice fill our soul.

C moved far away this summer. To chase some other dreams, to live a life of joy and love and passion and enthusiasm. And, I couldn't be happier for her.

But, for a moment this morning, my heart broke a little when I looked at my coffee mugs sitting dutifully next to that full pot of glorious awakeness. It broke, knowing that C wasn't going to dance into my classroom, grab a mug, sit in my chair, and find the courage (because, sometimes it's found at the bottom of a coffee cup) to face the throngs of students who need us.

It definitely...DEFINITELY...was not my most favorite moment.

Thanks for letting me be real.

Until You Believe It...

I'm just going to be brutally honest. Being single sucks.

SUCKS.

Especially when it seems like everyone else is finding that special "someone," and you're stuck home, alone on Friday night, watching "Pride and Prejudice" - all six hours of the BBC version - yet again.

I know, sister. I. KNOW.

Some of my amazing friends have lately had to have hard talks with guys who have played with their hearts and souls. And, I tell you what, I'm in awe of my friends. Of their strength. Their grace. Their ability to speak the words that explain their hurt, their pain, and the healthy boundaries that these women need to place around their big, fragile, unfailing hearts.

Because the guys weren't getting it.

And so, today, a Friend sat the guy down and had "the talk." And he didn't get it.

Just because he didn't get it doesn't mean it's not right. But, we need words. We need our loved ones to surround us when we do scary, hard things and celebrate with us - and for us - when we take a stand for ourselves.

So, Friend, I told you I'd say it and say it and say it. As many times as you need. I'll say it out loud, I'll text you in the middle of the night, and I'm posting it here for those times that you can't reach me.

(And, for all of you other Friends out there who need the words, read these here as many times as you need...)

You are amazing.
You stood up for your heart.
You spoke your truth in grace and love (or not, and that's okay, too).
There is no need to feel guilt, or second guess, or worry, when you are honest with yourself, God, and others.

I'm seriously in awe of you. You inspire me, and I love you, Friend.

Long Time, No Posting...

2013 was hard. HARD.

And, I realized that certain things needed to be put on hiatus in order for me to be able to keep all the rest of my life spinning. It also meant that some of the things that fill my soul also needed to be put on hiatus.

Many nights, I would walk through my door, and then crumple into an exhausted heap on my bed...the floor...the couch...and the idea of making dinner, or seeing a friend, or GRADING was just impossible. Things like blogging were absolutely out-of-the-question; if I can't do the mandatory things (laundry? Grades?), how on earth am I going to do these fun-yet-crazy side projects.

Thing was, I wanted to. And, I had ideas for posts; I would draft them in my head when I walked to work in the mornings. They just never got written down because as soon as my foot hit school property, my day took off in a whirlwind, and those thoughts were lost in the shuffle of life and school and kids.

Has my life settled down a bit? Not really. Maybe a bit.

Have I finally figured out how to balance it all? HAHAHAHHAHA, no way.

Do I need to write for my sanity? YES.

Am I going to be consistent in this? My hopeful answer is, "Darn tootin'!" but I think the truthful answer is, "We'll see."

My goal for this year has been to live IN THE MOMENT. To not rush forward to the next thing; to enjoy exactly where I am. And, to not worry about some of the things I "have" to do, and to do some of the things I "need" to do - for me to be me.